Jessica and Kezzia were getting in late that night, and it wasn't quite bedtime yet. So I pulled out my computer and typed away for a little while. That finished, I set it aside and went to look for a book.
My bookshelf is full of books I've read already. Sometimes way more than once. I looked here and there, trying to find something that piqued my interest, and nothing did: except that one paperback that had belonged to my Grandma.
I'd read it months and months before, staying up til midnight to finish. Someone sat down with Bible prophecies and Mrs. White's inspiration and came up with a supposition of what the end of time might be like. Back then, it had awakened in me such a sense of the nearness of Christ's coming and I had embraced the chance to really ponder the blessed event.
Now it stared at me from the shelf, daring me to pick it out of a million others, despite the fact that I'd read it already. It won. I pulled it from the shelf and returned to the living room, settling on the couch in my big green blanket to read.
An hour and a half later I set the book aside and stared at the ceiling. I turned all the lights off and went into my room, where the cat reclined on the bed. He stared at me as only a cat can when I buried myself under the covers and pulled my computer out.
The reawakening to my own condition and the sense of the end so near: I almost couldn't bear it. As I typed my fears and focusings onto the screen before me, I begged God to help me. Begged Him to truly convert my soul so I would be ready. And then it struck me...
How does one become converted anyway? I'm such a hopeless sinner most of the time--evidence of an unconverted heart--but I want to be converted, and to stay that way. Only how?
As I questioned, I heard a voice. No, not a voice, but a voice. Those who have heard it know what I mean. And it simply said, "Steps to Christ."
Was it because I'd noticed that it was on my shelf earlier that week? Was it because I'd read it a couple of years ago and been blessed? Or was it a divine instruction to seek and find the conversion experience I was pleading for?
I put the computer on the floor and pulled the worn old book off the shelf. My grandma read it a thousand times, I'm sure. It's got tape on it and is otherwise falling apart. But I settled down to search.
The amazing thing?
I found.
I've been a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian all my life. I've always believed in God, always knew (with my head) that He loved me, always knew all our doctrines and beliefs.
But I've also always struggled with making Christ my own. Not just my church's, not just my parent's, friend's, or pastor's. Mine. No one ever really told me how, though here and there I got a few ideas on how. Some didn't work at all, others helped. And sometimes it worked completely and I felt God's acceptance and that holy joy that springs from Him alone.
Keeping a hold of that joy, that assurance, is the hard part.
And yet... Is it not so hard as we make it?
I put the book down at 10:30, a third of the way through and seeing with new eyes. I'm going to read it over and over...and over.
One day at a time is all I have. Therefore, one day at a time is all I need to promise.
Realize He loves you...then see and admit your need of Him...then repent of your wickedness and confess your sins specifically...then have faith that He will forgive, because He has promised. There's more to come that I haven't read yet.
How simple.
So, one day at a time. Begin each morning with a simple prayer: "Lord, I am Thine. Take me, all of me, and consecrate me anew."
"You shall seek Me and find Me, when ye shall search for Me with all your heart."
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