I walk around the corner, eyes tracing the grooves in the paved stones. Brow bent down, tears stain the cheek: I've done it again.
I glance up at the massive wooden door in front of me, closed. A tremor of fear runs through me. So often have I seen this door, closed, and yet run through in expectant joy. So many other times I've come through it in shrinking, only to find that once again, I'm welcome. Forgiven.
But what about this time?
Hand reaches for the knob, shaking. Fingers touch brass and the automatic reflex is to jerk away. Will I truly be welcomed and forgiven one more time? Suppose I'm sent out; rejected; abandoned? After all, it was deliberate.
A moment's silence, heart pounding in the stillness. Anguish wrenches the soul, but still it's impossible to resist. The hand reaches for the door knob again while the legs grow weaker still. Will He forgive me...one more time?
The door creaks on its hinges and then flies open. Knees hit the plush red carpet leading to the throne and face buries in stained hands. Sobs rend the air inside the throne room, and only the heart's whisper can be heard. Please forgive me... Oh, please forgive me.
A rustle of garments, the soft tread of sandalled feet on the carpet... and then a strong hand on the bowed sinner's shoulder, my shoulder. The other hand reaches under my chin and lifts my face up to His. And I see that smile, that same, beautiful smile. "Wherefore dost thou fear, O thou of little faith?"
More tears, which drip down the strong lines of the scarred hand which holds my face. "It was deliberate... I ignored Your call to me. I..."
"If you confess your sins, I am faithful and just to forgive... and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness." The smile is still there.
"Even though I chose...?"
"If thou canst believe..."
I believe. Help Thou mine unbelief.
The shaking sinner falls into the arms of love. Forgiveness again...and again. Even in the face of deliberate transgression. The throne room is nothing to fear--for my Father loves me.