Only If

I don't understand.
I'm frustrated: not with You, see; with myself.
I'm confused.
But most of all, I'm afraid.

I've been trying, but it obviously hasn't been enough.
I've been looking, but it must not have been in the right place.
I've been desiring and even asking...and surely You've been hearing; but if that's the case, why have I not been getting my answers? Why the confusion, the frustration, the lack of understanding?

Why the fear, even now?

And why the sudden barrage? I'm not angry, not upset with anyone but myself. I don't understand. I'm confused. And do I have to mention the fear again?

What are You doing?

In my head I know, but my heart seems to have different ideas. I have a hard time really believing.

I see so many others talking about You; how beautiful life is, how free one feels when the bars snap and the chains rattle useless to the ground. But, as much as I've thought I knew what that feels like, I don't. It's only been my overactive imagination again.

I don't understand.
I'm frustrated.
I'm confused.
I'm in pain, in tears.
And I'm very...very...afraid.

But I'm willing.
And I'm ready.

But only if You promise to walk with me, to show me what I need to do; only if You promise to show me who You really are and bring me to a deeper knowledge of You; only if You promise to lead me and teach me how to really live a full life, free from these bars, these chains, this past of haunting darkness that I've been pretending is light. Without all of that, I'm not going anywhere.

I promise.